Stern Investiagtion

Somebody

Picking her way through the debris and trying not to step in anything, Some walked into the shabby waiting area. A large black rat startled her as it scampered towards the door she had just entered by. The rodent stopped and looked up at her then briefly removed roll of parchment in it's mouth and doffed it's official cap politely before continuing out of the door. She knew about the rat courier service of course but it wasn't the sort of thing that she'd ever thought she'd have to get this close to; all civilised people used pigeons. The waiting room looked as if it might have been designed by rats; every surface looked as if one could catch something contagious off of it.

Still, she was desperate, she had tried seven other agencies all of which had claimed that they had a full case load or that all their employees were busy doing other things. When she had broken down in tears in the last place they had recommended she try here just to get rid of her.

Some walked towards the reception desk. The deformed dwarf that sat behind it stood up, ``Welcome to Stern Investigation,'' Some thought that he was trying to sound pleasant and wecoming but his slightly slurred speech and flying saliva ruined the effect he was trying to achieve. ``Can I help you miss?''

``I-'' Some began, ``I need to hire a private investigator. I need to see Mr. Stern right away!''

The dwarf moved around from behind the desk and Some realised that he was actually only half dwarf. Only the right half of him was dwarf, the rest of him was normal sized. For each part of him the left and right sides matched as well as could be expected but since the left hand side of his body was twice as big as the right he was permanently bent over sideways. He walked mostly using his small right leg, his long left leg dragged along behind him and occasionally thrashed around as he moved. His arms were the most normal parts of him, neither was noticably deformed if you ignored the fact that one was the arm of a normal man and the stunted arm of a dwarf. The smaller right arm hung by his side more or less normally but his left arm sometimes seemed to move of it's own accord waving gently to some silent slow rhythm.

His head was easily the most grotesque part of him; unlike the rest of his body the right hand side of his skull was huge and bulbous while the left was shrivelled and stunted. This mismatch somewhat improbably caused his head to sit up straight on his crooked shoulders. The two sides of his face didn't quite match and his features were strecthed and lopsided. His mouth was twisted into a permanent half smile and spittal dribbled out of the lower corner of it. His nose was one huge nostril leaning pulled towards the left hand side of his face by it's almost invisible counterpart. Only his eyes were the same size and at the same level, the left hand eye looked as if it was on the verge of popping out of the shrivelled side of his face while the right hand eye looked deeply sunken into his deformed skull. Though horribly deformed Some felt there lay a strange intelligence behind those eyes.

``Have a seat Miss-'' the half dwarf stopped to allow her to fill in the rest of her name and pulled one of the chairs to face the desk.

``Body,'' replied Some reluctantly lowering into the offered seat. The man's left arm patted her on the back and softly gripped her shoulder in a way that, despite her revulsion, Some found oddly comforting. ``Some Body.''

The man leered up at her, ``Yes, I can see that!'' he slurred and a fresh stream of dribble spluttered out of the side of his mouth and dripped off of the end of his chin.

Some was very relieved when the man moved back to behind the desk dragging his spasming left leg with him. ``Is Mr. Stern busy?'' she asked as the man reseated himself, ``I really need to talk to him. It's a matter of life and death!''

``I am Mr. Stern,'' replied the dwarf, then twisting his mouth into what Some supposed was a smile he added, ``But you can call me Hunch. And as it happens, Miss Body, I'm not terribly busy at the moment though I doubt I can help you much.''

``You?!'' blurted Some, ``This is a waiting room isn't it? I thought you were the receptionist.''

``This is my office,'' replied Hunch calmly though saliva still leaked out of the corner of his mouth when he spoke, ``Since I'm technically the head of the business I get the largest room. My partner gets the broom cupboard in the back.''

``You came highly recommended,'' Some replied deciding to play it cool, ``I've heard that you're the best.'' The last best.

``Hmm,'' said Hunch he placed tiny right hand on the desk and spread out his fingers. His left hand swooped down to meet the right and briefly formed a mismatched steeple of fingers but the right arm seemed to get bored again and wondered off to fiddle with some pencils. ``We are the best,'' he replied, ``But I can tell that that is not what you've heard.''

So much for playing it cool, ``Please! You must help me! I'm desperate!''

``It's not that I wouldn't like to,'' said Hunch sympathetically, ``But my partner is due to leave on some well earned vacation. Frankly,'' he leaned conspiratorially over the desk, ``I'm really only one half of an elite crime fighting duo; I doubt if I could help much on my own.''

``They got to you too! Didn't they?'' shouted Some angrily. ``They got to everyone!'' she stood up and banged her fists onto the desk; as replusive as the man was he was her last hope. Rejection after rejection she had tried to take calmly but now her very last option was slipping away and she didn't know what else she could do. ``Well you can tell them from me that I'll never stop unitl I found out the truth about my father! They can't hide the truth from me forever!''

``Hey, Hunch!'' shouted a young female voice from the back room, ``Is that actually a client you've got out there?''

Some subsided up as the door to the back room creaked opened. Some looked up and took a step back expecting the thing that lives in the broom cupboard to be another hideous monstrosity. However the woman that stepped out wasn't anything of the sort. Her clothing was rough and her hair was a mess but Some could tell that underneath it she was an attractive young woman. She wasn't a tall person by any means she was easily a head shorter than Some but there was something in her bearing that made her an imposing figure. There was also something wild and feral about her too like a predator who just wasn't hungry at the moment yet remained alway ready to pounce. Some's immediate impression of her was of someone who had grown up on the toughest streets in the city and through all the lying, cheating and stealing had somehow retained all her dignity and pride.

``Miss Body'' said Hunch standing up, ``This is Anne Noon my partner. Anne, this is Some Body.''

Anne stopped and looked Some over from head to foot. She forwned jealously, ``Yes, I can see that,'' she said with an audible hint of jealousy.

``I was just telling Miss Body that we probably couldn't take on her case due to your impending absence.''

``And just where are you and every other detective in this city going on holiday this year!'' Some snapped at Anne.

Anne just grinned calmly at her, ``Well, I'm going to visit my great, great, great, great grandfather. As for everyone else I think this should give you some idea about that,'' she grabbed a letter out of the pile of paperwork on Hunch's desk and tossed it to Some.

Some looked at the letter dubiously then turned back to Anne, ``Your great, great, great, great, grandfather? Just how long do people in your family live?''

``Well, he has lived longer than most due to being a vampire.''

``A vampire!'' Some took a step back in panic and grabbed a pencil from the desk holding it in front of her like a weapon.

``Jumpy isn't she?'' Anne grinned at Hunch then turned back to Some, ``You needn't worry though, I'm as alive as the day I was born. I don't intend to get nearly as old as After. `Live young, die fast' that's my motto. I'm just going to stay with him for a couple weeks, catch up on family history that sort of thing.''

``What's in the letter?'' asked Hunch.

Anne looked at him irritably, ``If you bothered to read the mail you'd know. It's a note telling us we'd be fire bombed if we take the Some Body case. If I was sticking around we'd take your case like a shot; I don't like being threatened. As it is you'll have to ask him,'' she jerked a thumb at Hunch.

``But I can't solve cases half as well without you Anne!'' said Hunch, ``We're a team, I need you to assist me!'' His left hand idly drew patterns is a small puddle of spit on his desk.

``You'll manage with Miss Some Body here. If she's desperate enough she'll assist you herself.''

``Assist?'' asked Some with trepidation.

``Yep,'' Anne grinned evilly at her, ``Hunch requires special assistance on the job. I'm sure you'll pick it up as you go.''

Anne turned to Hunch, ``Well, I've got to be going. You should probably take the case. It won't be so bad with Some Thing here. You can show her the ropes, as it were, as you go along.'' She bent over and kissed the top of Hunch's head before striding towards the door, ``See you Boss!''

``We're partners!'' Hunch yelled irritably after her spraying saliva all over his desk, ``I told you to call me Hunch!''

Anne stopped by the door and grinned back at the little man, ``Just kidding.''

``Well, I'll see you in two weeks then. Have fun,'' called Hunch.

``Will do,'' Anne ran her appraising gaze over Some again, ``Have fun yourself!'' She winked at Hunch and ducked out of the door.

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Andrew Cook